Bones and Blood
Conan's Performance Motive
We had just been in lock down. Some of us had 14 days of complete self quarantine. Alone.
I felt moments of feeling alone and lonely. A friend of mine asked me, “when we think or feel
that we are alone, can we try to add another L and make it ALLONE? Whole? How does one
get to that space of oneness?”
Does it exist against the current forces our world in this timeline presents?
I ask Wairua, how does this body wanna explore that? Show me how it feels in this body to
be whole. Just for a breath? But what am I when this body feels pushed and pulled by
strings? An Inward push and pull. Not whole, quite the opposite. There’s only one current.
One direction. One agenda. Down. Low beneath the surface. In underwater caves or
crashing along the cliffs.. The surface of something, someone, some circumstance.
There, you can find shadows. A darkness within yourself. It can present like a beautifully soft
black fabric. Carry your shadow selves with you. Bring light to it. Listen to it when it creeps
in. Allow light again. Allow Wairua to ease the flow again. Dilute the poison that’s been split
in your river. Repeat till your last breath. Life, it’s so fragile, so precious.
The black fabric look got me thinking about living out your fantasies. What do you have to
lose? I felt Lady Gaga energy here. BIIIG FANTASY. 8am during an on and off sleet storm.
How can we allow those fantasies to play out of ourselves but more importantly out of one
another? Let’s share that shit. I feel like we are all, (but I can only speak for myself) in some
way, beginning to awaken to something greater than ourselves. Self sovereignty makes us
sniff out the bullshit that was PUT ON US. Collectively, we begin to see the answer to the
next question, how can I be one, if not all are one?
Allow your dreams and fantasies to play out freely in this reality. Even against that strong
wind. Towards that relentless pull. Don’t run away from it next time. Rather learn how to
ground yourself toward it. Bring it out in the open. In the air. In the water. In the dirt. Get to
know your shadow, the black fabric that floats behind you and feel it when it grips back.
Directed by Conan Hayes & Ruby Harris
DOP Ruby Harris
Performance Conan Hayes
Costume Designer Laura Monaghan
Edited by Nadia Darby
Colorist Oscar Keys
Laura Monaghan [d__luc] - Costume Design / Photography
When I created the song Bones and Blood I was in my bedroom at my desk.. feeling gentle, SHY, and highly emotional/sensitive. A huge part of my journey is about learning to be at peace with myself vocally. It plays out in many ways. My voice is a huge reflection of where I am in my journey of compassion for my self-expression with life, people, music, self, whanau, and physicality. How much of myself am I willing to share? How vulnerable can I allow myself to be, when aspects feel tender. How can I uphold love and compassion for those tender spots in a way that also encourages patience. This is where the energy of Quan Yin came in for me.
The creation of Bones and Blood came from my initial frustration towards the fear I had been holding towards allowing true self expression (or singing in this case) to be presented.. when alone it's fine.. when others could hear.. i would choke.. in performance this would come out as me yelling and being angry towards fear which is innate and natural for humans to feel. It has been and continues to be a process of nuture, and love and acceptence. It has called forth the mother that lies within me to cradle the pain within. A strengthing of my inner divine masculine figure is being called to join. To protect the space for action of vulnerability to occur.
BEFORE THIS LIFE. WHO WAS I?
LYRICS BY TESSA / MARIA - VANESSA WORM. ONCE WAS AN ARIA SINGER. PRE 00'S [LIFE]
Ruby Harris Photography.
Bones and Blood I think may have been the first time I allowed for tenderness to slowly come through.. first time I felt what it felt like to guide the voice through even though afraid, in a way that felt so kind. The poem titled Bones and Blood which I sang was written to express the pain of not allowing self expression in my closest relationship to occur, I was in a constant battle with myself. I felt that I was not enough as I am, as I felt much fear. I felt that I was ruining the life of the one I love the most because of this. This has been a rocky road. This song says "we can be one together, just you and me" calling to the hope and the idea that we were not already one. To find, One we have been all along and One with each other forever we may be. Me and My Lover, You and Me, The Flower and the Tree, The Mother The Father and the Holy Child. Forever together as ONE.
BONES AND BLOOD
DEEP DEEP SHAKING STREAKS PULLING PULLING PULLING ON ME IT’S STILL SO HARD TO FEEL FREE WHEN THIS IS HERE HAUNTING ME
I RIP IT FROM ME!
THERE’S SOMETHING TELLING ME
IT’S TIME TO BE FREE!
CUT IT FROM ME.
LIFE OF THIS IS NOT FOR ME.
WE CAN BE ONE TOGETHER
JUST YOU AND ME
NOTHING EXTERIOR KILLING ME
THE BUMBLE BEE IS CHASING ME
OH I JUST WANT TO SING
WE ALL HAVE BONES AND BLOOD NOTHING NEEDS TO BE SO ROUGH
LOOK AT THE FLOWER
LOOK AT THE TREE
ALL OF IT IS GROWING FROM ME THERE’S LIFE BEYOND WHAT WE CAN SEE
I’M FEELING SOME PAIN ON ME
IF RELEASING WAS AS EASY AS
THEN YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME SITTING IN A TREE
IM LOOKING AT ME
I FEEL THIS TREE
I KNOW HOW IT GROWS FROM ME
A SPECKLE OF THE NUMBER 3 REFLECTING THROUGH ME
OH WHAT A LIFE WE LIVE
THE HAIRS ON THE TREE
THE SENSORS ON ME
WHAT ARE WE
THERES A BEAUTY IN ME
THERES A BEAUTY WITH ME
WE ARE ALL A PIECE OF THE MIGHTY NUMBER 3 AN ENERGY REFLECTING THROUGH ME